Jack and Jill

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side and said "When I married your mother the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers, I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on, when she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large, I told her of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will". Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem.

Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding he did the same thing - took off his trousers gave them to Jill and told her to put them on. Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them. “Exactly” replied Jack. “I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will and don't you to forget that”. Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. "Try these on" she said, so he tried them on but they were too small. “I can't possibly get into your knickers," said Jack “Exactly" replied Jill "and if you don't change your ****ing attitude, you never will".

Out of the Mouth's of Babes

A 5 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.” You know what?" says the 5 year old, "I think it's about we start swearing.” The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 5 year old continues, "When we go downstairs I'm going to say 'f***en hell' and you say 'f***en ass' OK?" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year he wants for breakfast. Aw, f***en hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerio’s."  WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the Kitchen floor, gets up and runs upstairs crying his eyes out. The Mom looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?” "I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your f***en ass it won't be Cheerio’s!"